Well, here it is. My first post.
I had some grand ideas that my first piece would be some solid literary soliloquy exploring why it is that in my mid 30s I am still pursuing the idea of being a writer and i was going to talk about the authors that i hold in high regard and share some thoughts on writing as a craft that i have found useful and inspiring over the years.
Instead, at the moment i feel my thoughts turning much more internally and i fell that i may be about to delve a little further into my head than i originally intended.
I write because it is one of the pieces of me that i am sure of and i should explain why that is such a big deal. the name of my blog comes from the phrase “coat of many colours” comes from the view of myself as a person and i think how everybody is. Imagine each part of your personality, your likes, dislikes and all of the things that make you who you are and see each of those pieces as a different coloured swatch of fabric. They are then all combined together to make a coat that you wear as who you are.
I am pre occupied by this metaphor because of where i come from and the point that i am at in my life.Up until the last couple of years, i did not have a single coat, instead, i took each part of me and wore it as a separate one. A practice that i began at an early age, and as i grew older each coat became more and more separate to the others and began to severely contradict each other. I ended up having to go to great lengths to keep all of the separate parts of my life from overlapping and colliding. Eventually it became too much, it was a delicately balanced house of cards to use a lazy metaphor, crashed together and my life fell apart. I fell hard and shattered.With a broad view, it was a good, if inevitable event. Because i was not living , as they say ‘my authentic self’. All of those parts of me had grown to be characters on their own and i was a stretched and fractured individual, incapable of living a complete life or of having an honest relationship with anyone.
Which brings me to where i am now. Since that catalyst event, which was not a single event, but a period of a few years where things gradually unravelled. Since then, i have been in recovery, or rebuilding, or starting again (i still have arguments with myself over the terminology). I have been picking up all of the different pieces of me off the floor and sifting through them, one by one. Deciding which are the authentic parts, the ones that belong to the core of me, and which were just bits of padding that i had used to fill out the characters that i had been inhabiting. It wasn’t and hasn’t been easy. I started from a point of not knowing who i was. It’s not something i’ve found that most people spend a lot of time thinking about unless prompted to by some event. That question “Who am i?”.
In the beginning i felt totally lost, i spent a lot of time feeling like i was a lost balloon, just floating around aimlessly without much real purpose, just existing. Occasionally anchoring myself to something, but not for long, because the doubt would always come. It’s hard to describe what it’s like to doubt everything about yourself, to wonder if what you are doing is real, or right.
I have gradually sorted and picked out the parts of me that feel genuine, that feel like they are the parts of my core self. The pieces that if i sit there and look at them long enough, still stay solid and feel like they might fit into the multidimensional jigsaw puzzle that i am trying to put together. Which brings me back to my metaphor. I have gathered up all of those different coloured pieces and fashioned them into a coat of sorts and i keep trying to wear it. Work out how they all fit together and how much space each piece occupies and how they all fit together.
Some days i feel like i have it worked out and it all seems to go together pretty well and i can start to take part in the world and build something more up than just ‘managing’ which is where i seem to spend a lot of my time. I realised quite recently that when people ask how i am doing my most common reply is ‘I’m managing’. However, i am no seamstress at this point, and the stitching that holds everything together doesn’t take a lot of stress before it starts to come unravelled again and i have days, or weeks where i question parts of my coat or sometimes the whole thing. Try to decide whether i should just make some adjustments, pull it all apart and start out again or sometimes whether i should just burn the bloody thing and give up.
Why i decided to start this blog is part of this process. I have been using social media to some extent to explore all of the different things that are me, but i found that it has its limits and sometimes what i have to say goes far beyond the length of what an acceptable post would be.
So here, i plan to post all the things i have thoughts about, in the hope that it will help me bring all of the differing tangents together as a cohesive whole.